Bully

You created me, and so you know exactly where this is coming from. 

I feel tortured, bullied and abused. It has been the most challenging season of my life, but that is not enough for you. Whenever i take the time to tell someone about the good that you are yet to do once the storm passes, you send in another wave in yet another attempt to ensure that my head remains underwater as i struggle to breathe. 

Cute little girl

I feel like you are that cute little girl who gets away with what ever she does. Those who follow you constantly say “its ok, He can do what He wants to do, because He is who He is.”.

I see no justification for what you are doing. You are attacking me in areas that needn’t your attention in that manner. 

I dedicated my academics to you in the beginning of the semester even before i realized that it would be a peculiar season. You take one thing, i meet the challenge and adapt to work in a different manner. Now you attack that. WHAT PLEASURE DO YOU GET FROM MY FAILURE!!? If you wanted me to graduate even later, why not have me take the semester off. Send me into an environment of solute so that i can spend more time with you. Instead you make it clear that there is another way, only to smash my toes in the door as i try to enter another door?

http://www.biblestudytools.com/romans/8-28-compare.html

Is Romans 8:28 full of crap? I read through all these translations and it seems to say that if we allow ourselves to be used by you, things work out for our good. Honestly that’s not even what i want. I don’t seek treasures, i just want to know why you must take what is hard enough already and dunk it in feces. Psalms 112:5. Is your word truly true? If so, you have watched me this semester and entire lifetime prior to this. How have i managed to earn the results of the inverse? 

This last weekend, you seemed to have assured me that i am not paying for the sins of my forefathers. Have you changed your mind? 

All these things that have happened are in areas that are meant to go swiftly. If it were an interview or something, i would understand if you decided there was something better as you did with the Delap issue. BUT THESE ARE ASSIGNMENTS!!!! I HAVE TOLD YOU TIME AND TIME AGAIN!!!! YOU HAVE MY ATTENTION!!!! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME? Did you bring me to the United States, have me complete three years of college just to knock me down, and kick me while i was trying to get up?

 What’s the big idea. I’m tired of encouragement. Honestly. You know my heart. I am not failing to defend my blessings. What i want now are answers as to why my academics are subject to persecution. Yea, i truly feel as if i am being persecuted. Not by others for your sake, but by you. Is not enough for me to have faith that you are handling all that is out of my control? 

You created me, and so you know exactly where all this is coming from. 

………[sigh]…………….

Plan forward

[deep breath]…….

I will keep doing what i am doing. I will continue to be Phil. I will continue to put my friends before myself. I will keep to fight for my academics. If you have any issue with this plan, you know my route to and from school. You have until the end of the semester to stop me from waking up, or you can physically inhibit me from commuting.

Night.

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silencestepford:

I rarely reblog…but i saw this and lost it…I LOVE THIS MOVIE!!!!!…which takes me back to an epic trip to Cali i had with a pretty great person over the summer. WOO HOO!!!! “I was calling…to ask you…about the security…of your

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Self check

I really hope i have not lost what it is that makes me me. I am fully aware that many people know me. I would hate for that to turn into popularity, because that usually ends up being a contest. This might sound a little cocky…but ABSOLUTELY NO ONE can be me as well i as i can. 

This also means that i cannot just lay around. No one is going to live my life for me. I read a quote from Mark Twain recently that said something like “20 years from now, you will regret the things you didnt do more than the things you did”. This can be exhausting too. I mean there is SOOO much to life. So much that can be done. So much beauty that can be observed and taken in. So many awesome people that can be met, known and loved. 

In terms of passion, there is so much we can pour into something before we have no choice but to let God power us through. But what about just life in general, does God put a limit on HOW MUCH we can experience…or maybe that’s what Life is. The resource that each of us have been allocated by God which allows us to experience God’s design and creation before we pass on to a different existence. 

Ugh…i shouldnt blog when im this tired. Its a good place to start when it comes to resuming. I miss losing myself in thought. 

1 note

AGH!!!! Wow…i am frustrated beyond belief. Like i just want to be in my own lil world…and be able to scream as loud as i want. I want to be separated from EVERYTHING…socializing…work…responsibilities…life in general. But i dont want to miss a single chance to spend what lil time i get with loved ones.  SIGH!  Its probably just a momentary thing brought about by a build up. I hope it passes soon. Preferably over the next 15mins.

AGH!!!!

Wow…i am frustrated beyond belief. Like i just want to be in my own lil world…and be able to scream as loud as i want. I want to be separated from EVERYTHING…socializing…work…responsibilities…life in general. But i dont want to miss a single chance to spend what lil time i get with loved ones. 

SIGH! 

Its probably just a momentary thing brought about by a build up. I hope it passes soon. Preferably over the next 15mins.

1 note

Phil asks…

Yet another series

So i think it’ll be wise for me to start another series for possible readers of my blog thingy. Like i, like many, have questions. Most of those presented in my blog are more on the rhetorical side because i guess i crave answers without really expecting any. Here however, i really do hope to get answers from those who read. Those who know me should feel free to write me back on facebook or bring it up next time we meet. Anyways.

First query

Where do we draw the line, or tell the differentiate between selflessness (in the form of sacrifice) and self-negligence?

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Multiple Realities Spending time volunteering at a children’s camp has taught me a little more about myself. Which im not sure is a good thing just yet. Learning your first language allows one to find a more accessible way to interpret reality as they perceive it because they have a point of reference as the juggle meaning and understanding. Learning a second language broadens your ability to tap into meaning because you have a new cache of meanings to attach to situations or occurrences. A broader variety of understanding. … That’s a very general description. Does this mean that the already acquired understanding gets intensified? or that the individual has a new collection of understanding reality to add to what he/she already had? I would argue both, but more of the latter. To truly know another language is to force one-self to take on an alternative understanding to reality that may or may not compliment the already existent perception of reality. Which presents a challenge when it comes to living in a culture that offers preference to one of these understandings. I would say that a good number of people who come from certain cultures in the world struggle so much the exaggeration because their original language or means of understanding only accommodated an intense understanding to given situations. This is on the more obvious side. On a deeper but quieter level, others juggle between meanings to situations without knowing it. Neither meaning is wrong, one just seems to be more relevant depending on its suitability to the situation as decided by the percipient. That being said, there may be emotions that a multicultural individual will NEVER be able to communicate in words to a person coming from a single culture. This is of course unless they can find a cultural understanding that they both share.  For the first time i was asked if i have ever had a hard time interacting with classmates because of my cultural background. I guess i hadnt allowed myself to think about it as much til i was asked this question in an interview a couple weeks ago. But yes. I have. I guess no matter how much confidence you present to others, there are a number of ways in which your understanding can be dismissed as irrelevant that are really hard to brush off. I guess its fault on my part too since i did not really expect to encounter a language barrier from my peers when we all spoke great English. Its even more unfortunate when it happens outside of the classroom from people you consider friends who are to know you really well.There is a lot to be said and processed in order for me to understand and process where i am at today. On that note…good night thoughts, i shall resume dialogue with you tomorrow. 

Multiple Realities

Spending time volunteering at a children’s camp has taught me a little more about myself. Which im not sure is a good thing just yet. Learning your first language allows one to find a more accessible way to interpret reality as they perceive it because they have a point of reference as the juggle meaning and understanding. Learning a second language broadens your ability to tap into meaning because you have a new cache of meanings to attach to situations or occurrences. A broader variety of understanding. … That’s a very general description. Does this mean that the already acquired understanding gets intensified? or that the individual has a new collection of understanding reality to add to what he/she already had? I would argue both, but more of the latter. To truly know another language is to force one-self to take on an alternative understanding to reality that may or may not compliment the already existent perception of reality. Which presents a challenge when it comes to living in a culture that offers preference to one of these understandings. I would say that a good number of people who come from certain cultures in the world struggle so much the exaggeration because their original language or means of understanding only accommodated an intense understanding to given situations. This is on the more obvious side. On a deeper but quieter level, others juggle between meanings to situations without knowing it. Neither meaning is wrong, one just seems to be more relevant depending on its suitability to the situation as decided by the percipient. That being said, there may be emotions that a multicultural individual will NEVER be able to communicate in words to a person coming from a single culture. This is of course unless they can find a cultural understanding that they both share. 

For the first time i was asked if i have ever had a hard time interacting with classmates because of my cultural background. I guess i hadnt allowed myself to think about it as much til i was asked this question in an interview a couple weeks ago. But yes. I have. I guess no matter how much confidence you present to others, there are a number of ways in which your understanding can be dismissed as irrelevant that are really hard to brush off. I guess its fault on my part too since i did not really expect to encounter a language barrier from my peers when we all spoke great English. Its even more unfortunate when it happens outside of the classroom from people you consider friends who are to know you really well.

There is a lot to be said and processed in order for me to understand and process where i am at today. On that note…good night thoughts, i shall resume dialogue with you tomorrow. 

2 notes

As i try to sleep Trying to completely focus at work today was one of the biggest challenges i have ever had. So i try to sleep earlier today…but of course as luck would have it, that is much much much harder than it needs to be. I mean, i have a super comfy bed…a couple pillows and ideal sleeping temperature from a combo of a warm house with a breeze floating in from the window. Nothing doing though. Where does that leave me? Me and my thoughts. Scary place, but i wouldnt mind getting to know Philip a little more.  To be fearless Last night as a blogged a spider about an inch and a half slowly descended from the ceiling. My first thought was WHAT THE FRIKKK!! my second thought was “i dont remember being afraid of spiders”…and my third was…why am i, in this state of fear still heading towards it. After i dealt with it, i went back to blogging. Feeling protected for some reason. Today i was cooking for my roommate and i and i sliced my pinky. It wasnt that bad a cut, but it was way worse than a simple scratch. I could feel the pain, the fresh slice, but i seemed to be equally focussed on walking to the sink, cleaning my wound, grabbing a good amount of paper towel to hold the flowing blood so that i can find my keys and head to my car for the first aid kit. Part of me feels that many manly experiences can be derived from this. PLus adventures, etc. But another part of me is terrified that i will start coasting through life not worried about consequences since i feel this strong feeling that i will obviously emerge alright. I mean that’s what people going through crap seem to hear alot right? Everything will be alright…everything will be ok, and possibly even better. When does this mentality become hazardous though? This has been going on for a while, and i guess at first i am sure i came across very brave or wild opting to be the first to head into an not so favorable situation…but it begs to be considered and handled with care. Turmoil Worry is normal right? I mean the christian response is that it is not spiritually healthy to worry. What’s the difference between not worrying and suppressing anxiety? Oh…better question…did God intend for worry…like did he design this phenomenon?…Christian answer…”well in the Bible Jesus instructs and advises that we do not worry about tomorrow for it has worries of its own”…annoying response from Philip…”that’s fair…how do we handle the other two factors? First…so Jesus permits tomorrow to worry? and secondly…how do we handle tomorrow”…obviously i am only addressing a portion of the passage…i have more annoying responses to the passage, but back to the main point. Didnt God design worry? Doesnt trusting Him lose its meaning if we do not worry during the process? More to think about. Dilemna For some odd reason i want to be alone. Void of all interaction…yet i want to spend time with people so that i may find a way of deriving an objective look as to who i am and what my character is. I mean interaction with others would be able to point out consistencies in me which i can observe and analyze…wow…i am loving my job too much. I need to leave analysis in the office…well i think this is a good reason to bring work home with me. This can be dangerous though…approval cannot be the goal. Christian response…”why dont you find youself in the Bible…”…at which point i politely excuse myself.  I guess i should try sleeping again. If not…then comes another schpeil or conversation between this young man and his keyboard.

As i try to sleep

Trying to completely focus at work today was one of the biggest challenges i have ever had. So i try to sleep earlier today…but of course as luck would have it, that is much much much harder than it needs to be. I mean, i have a super comfy bed…a couple pillows and ideal sleeping temperature from a combo of a warm house with a breeze floating in from the window. Nothing doing though. Where does that leave me? Me and my thoughts. Scary place, but i wouldnt mind getting to know Philip a little more. 

To be fearless

Last night as a blogged a spider about an inch and a half slowly descended from the ceiling. My first thought was WHAT THE FRIKKK!! my second thought was “i dont remember being afraid of spiders”…and my third was…why am i, in this state of fear still heading towards it. After i dealt with it, i went back to blogging. Feeling protected for some reason. Today i was cooking for my roommate and i and i sliced my pinky. It wasnt that bad a cut, but it was way worse than a simple scratch. I could feel the pain, the fresh slice, but i seemed to be equally focussed on walking to the sink, cleaning my wound, grabbing a good amount of paper towel to hold the flowing blood so that i can find my keys and head to my car for the first aid kit. Part of me feels that many manly experiences can be derived from this. PLus adventures, etc. But another part of me is terrified that i will start coasting through life not worried about consequences since i feel this strong feeling that i will obviously emerge alright. I mean that’s what people going through crap seem to hear alot right? Everything will be alright…everything will be ok, and possibly even better. When does this mentality become hazardous though? This has been going on for a while, and i guess at first i am sure i came across very brave or wild opting to be the first to head into an not so favorable situation…but it begs to be considered and handled with care.

Turmoil

Worry is normal right? I mean the christian response is that it is not spiritually healthy to worry. What’s the difference between not worrying and suppressing anxiety? Oh…better question…did God intend for worry…like did he design this phenomenon?…Christian answer…”well in the Bible Jesus instructs and advises that we do not worry about tomorrow for it has worries of its own”…annoying response from Philip…”that’s fair…how do we handle the other two factors? First…so Jesus permits tomorrow to worry? and secondly…how do we handle tomorrow”…obviously i am only addressing a portion of the passage…i have more annoying responses to the passage, but back to the main point. Didnt God design worry? Doesnt trusting Him lose its meaning if we do not worry during the process? More to think about.

Dilemna

For some odd reason i want to be alone. Void of all interaction…yet i want to spend time with people so that i may find a way of deriving an objective look as to who i am and what my character is. I mean interaction with others would be able to point out consistencies in me which i can observe and analyze…wow…i am loving my job too much. I need to leave analysis in the office…well i think this is a good reason to bring work home with me. This can be dangerous though…approval cannot be the goal. Christian response…”why dont you find youself in the Bible…”…at which point i politely excuse myself. 

I guess i should try sleeping again. If not…then comes another schpeil or conversation between this young man and his keyboard.

1 note

So here i am. Awake. Dying to sleep. I think its time. I dont kno. I feel sooo so stupid. Kinda foolish. Thinking that I can walk through life without allowing myself to feel it all. I mean, its obviously too much to let get to me right? And i obviously have so much more on my plate that i cannot allow myself to feel it. It sounds so dumb when i actually allow myself to hear the CRAP iv been feeding, those who love me, for the last almost year now.I guess the more i think about it, the more i see that it was more for my benefit than theirs. So cowardly. Running away from my circumstances. I am sure i had control over that. Tears every now and then could probably have allowed me to sleep sound tonight so that i may be ready for yet another hard week at work. Where would i start though. I guess i just tired. Of everything. I probably got caught up in all of it. Something i promised myself i would not ever allow myself to do. Everything…the growing friends list…the complements…the attention…the grades…the experiences…sounds so strange to actually say, but this is not where i wanted to be, and i guess i dont want to be anymore. I want to be back there…before the scope was ever on Phil. When it was just an outward look on life. Like its good to get a glance of yourself every now and then so as to know how to direct growth, but its never meant to be the primary perspective. Its meant to be what it used to be. ALWAYS on the other person. Since when did i care about what others thought. It was always, whatever i bring to the table is the Phil they shall forever get. Infact…there wasnt meant to be a Phil to begin with. I HATED that nickname in highschool. And now…i introduce myself with it. I guess the old folks from back home were right. At first it just sounded judgmental that i would come to the United States and that i would sell out. But i guess it inevitably happened. I guess some would argue that I am not as sold out as some of the other Kenyans who came to the states and flushed their principles down the drain, but i am not the same gentleman i used to be. I have become too comfortable. In some cases i have become selective about my friendship or to what level of friendship i allow selected individuals, when in the past it did not matter how much effort it took. As long as i called them friend, they had equal standing with ALL my other friends.  Death Now to actually dwell on what’s been on my mind as i have struggled to get to sleep. I have been learning, and still am. Or i guess i should have. Not sure what. Still have no clue what the purpose of Alex’s death was. And on top of that i have to try to figure out why Tom was taken from us and why uncle Rich took his life. NO SENSE WHATSOEVER!!! I mean this sounds just terrible thinking about, but why couldnt have been one of my degenerate friends who passed away? Or why couldnt another family…with less of a dependency on their fatther lose their dad, or why couldnt it have been one of my dad’s washed up brothers. It had to be that combo. I freakin hate the fact that i feel at home at funerals. I mean i still dont get Jackie’s death. A family of three and now they are down to just the two of them, and they are both men…like men men…no mushy gushy depth…she is what kept that going. First day i get to Kenya and i am attending my first cousin’s funeral…her’s kinda makes a lil more sense for she had been sick for a while. Both my friend’s mum and my cousin that is. As for the others. One thing we know, all is well. Next im traveling to a graveside. AGH! Since the beginning of the school year, i have been asking questions, but all i have found are more opportunities to ask the same eff’d up question. Why do people with every right to live and more have to die? Humble-pie My New-Year’s resolution this year came in the form of prayer. That i would not lose myself to pride and that i would be emptied of myself. Yea, way to answer the prayer Father. Put great things within my grasp and yank them away when they seem to be soaked in blessing. Soccer games, Mr. Bruin, Graphics Design contest, Junior’s Abroad, ASC, other office positions, etc. Just one blow after another. I am not used to wanting things. But with these, close to the end, i actually came close to really wanting the outcome to come in my favor when i usually just in it for the experience. They all seemed right. They felt right. Those who love and know me seemed to be ABSOLUTELY sure that there was no way i could not end up on top, but somehow, i ended up with the shorter end of the stick, while on the other end, i keep getting what i am not seeking. I am not the looker type. Without taking my time, i can think of so many men who deserve more favor among my peers and authority. I dont get it. So my lesson in pride is to be to wrestle with popularity, which isnt even something i signed up for. And in turn i lose out on what i desire? Yea, Christian response…”well obviously your desires were to further yourself and not others and so it would make sense that God would keep them out of your reach”…i guess my answer to that question would be another question…is God a tease? I believe many things about God that would prolly line up on the un-othordox side. For instance, i believe that God has a sense of humor. And at times a practical joker. I dont kno, its part of my nature and i believe that with my relationship with Him, he would prank me every now and then. Bird poop in my drink, first drop of rain landing in my eye, being smacked in the groin by a wave of water, that kinda stuff. Its funny, but i doubt that God’s a tease. Christian response…”well what you are doing right now is defining God and having Him fit into this lil box that you have designed o-so-poorly”…my response…I have given ample room to speak…i do on a daily basis…since the great summer of connection of 2010…nada…heard nothing…not through Bible readings…not through sermons…a couple words of guidance from friends…but no explanation…Christian response…”well you obviously have not been reading your Bible enough…”…as heathen as this is going to sound…i laugh at that…because the point is obviously…”i will know the message i need when i find it” right?…a very smart suggestion for someone with a creative mind, because how do you tell the difference from a message from God and a creative connection between circumstance and passage…Christian response “well the Holy Spirit will guide you, He will speak you into a revelation” or something like that…and somehow, we are back to discussing Jehovah’s silent treatment. Or was i not meant to use that name? Well that’s who i want answers from. Whenever He’s kind enough to speak. Christian response…”well you are obviously talking too much to hear…”…at which point i just get irritated, because to the contrary i have been working harder and harder to quite myself so as to hear anything but the white noise in my head whenever i am allowed a time between thoughts. Ugh….i honestly want everything to take over. Everything that i have and am currently dealing with. I want it all to collapse over me so that i can rebuild myself. I kno, i kno, i am meant to be proud of the person i am today. Well im human. I dont like unpleasant feelings. I have endured them for so long that i actually took a break away from fun just so that i could hold my head and take deep breaths as i tried to contemplate my unhappiness. Im tired of that lingersing pressure, i want it all to collapse. To feel the crunching pain, endure that, then anon begin my healing process. “I dont think you know what you are asking for Philip. Its foolish to expect that it would happen that simply”…that’s a great point…today i experienced an issues movement from the suspense-zone and you know what? figuring out stuff is awesome. I mean growth and patience is all fine and dandy…but resolving issues is even better…im sure there is some irony there. Either way, i want to know. What of my childhood bestfriend, what of my uncle, what of the man i called father for over a year, what does humility look like for a i feel that if had a better picture of what that looked like, i would have some momentum as i strive to be the man i am meant to be.  Where am i headed?

So here i am.

Awake. Dying to sleep. I think its time.

I dont kno. I feel sooo so stupid. Kinda foolish. Thinking that I can walk through life without allowing myself to feel it all. I mean, its obviously too much to let get to me right? And i obviously have so much more on my plate that i cannot allow myself to feel it. It sounds so dumb when i actually allow myself to hear the CRAP iv been feeding, those who love me, for the last almost year now.I guess the more i think about it, the more i see that it was more for my benefit than theirs.

So cowardly. Running away from my circumstances. I am sure i had control over that. Tears every now and then could probably have allowed me to sleep sound tonight so that i may be ready for yet another hard week at work.

Where would i start though. I guess i just tired. Of everything. I probably got caught up in all of it. Something i promised myself i would not ever allow myself to do. Everything…the growing friends list…the complements…the attention…the grades…the experiences…sounds so strange to actually say, but this is not where i wanted to be, and i guess i dont want to be anymore. I want to be back there…before the scope was ever on Phil. When it was just an outward look on life. Like its good to get a glance of yourself every now and then so as to know how to direct growth, but its never meant to be the primary perspective. Its meant to be what it used to be. ALWAYS on the other person. Since when did i care about what others thought. It was always, whatever i bring to the table is the Phil they shall forever get. Infact…there wasnt meant to be a Phil to begin with. I HATED that nickname in highschool. And now…i introduce myself with it.

I guess the old folks from back home were right. At first it just sounded judgmental that i would come to the United States and that i would sell out. But i guess it inevitably happened. I guess some would argue that I am not as sold out as some of the other Kenyans who came to the states and flushed their principles down the drain, but i am not the same gentleman i used to be. I have become too comfortable. In some cases i have become selective about my friendship or to what level of friendship i allow selected individuals, when in the past it did not matter how much effort it took. As long as i called them friend, they had equal standing with ALL my other friends. 

Death

Now to actually dwell on what’s been on my mind as i have struggled to get to sleep. I have been learning, and still am. Or i guess i should have. Not sure what. Still have no clue what the purpose of Alex’s death was. And on top of that i have to try to figure out why Tom was taken from us and why uncle Rich took his life. NO SENSE WHATSOEVER!!! I mean this sounds just terrible thinking about, but why couldnt have been one of my degenerate friends who passed away? Or why couldnt another family…with less of a dependency on their fatther lose their dad, or why couldnt it have been one of my dad’s washed up brothers. It had to be that combo. I freakin hate the fact that i feel at home at funerals. I mean i still dont get Jackie’s death. A family of three and now they are down to just the two of them, and they are both men…like men men…no mushy gushy depth…she is what kept that going. First day i get to Kenya and i am attending my first cousin’s funeral…her’s kinda makes a lil more sense for she had been sick for a while. Both my friend’s mum and my cousin that is. As for the others. One thing we know, all is well. Next im traveling to a graveside. AGH! Since the beginning of the school year, i have been asking questions, but all i have found are more opportunities to ask the same eff’d up question. Why do people with every right to live and more have to die?

Humble-pie

My New-Year’s resolution this year came in the form of prayer. That i would not lose myself to pride and that i would be emptied of myself. Yea, way to answer the prayer Father. Put great things within my grasp and yank them away when they seem to be soaked in blessing. Soccer games, Mr. Bruin, Graphics Design contest, Junior’s Abroad, ASC, other office positions, etc. Just one blow after another. I am not used to wanting things. But with these, close to the end, i actually came close to really wanting the outcome to come in my favor when i usually just in it for the experience. They all seemed right. They felt right. Those who love and know me seemed to be ABSOLUTELY sure that there was no way i could not end up on top, but somehow, i ended up with the shorter end of the stick, while on the other end, i keep getting what i am not seeking.

I am not the looker type. Without taking my time, i can think of so many men who deserve more favor among my peers and authority. I dont get it. So my lesson in pride is to be to wrestle with popularity, which isnt even something i signed up for. And in turn i lose out on what i desire? Yea, Christian response…”well obviously your desires were to further yourself and not others and so it would make sense that God would keep them out of your reach”…i guess my answer to that question would be another question…is God a tease?

I believe many things about God that would prolly line up on the un-othordox side. For instance, i believe that God has a sense of humor. And at times a practical joker. I dont kno, its part of my nature and i believe that with my relationship with Him, he would prank me every now and then. Bird poop in my drink, first drop of rain landing in my eye, being smacked in the groin by a wave of water, that kinda stuff. Its funny, but i doubt that God’s a tease. Christian response…”well what you are doing right now is defining God and having Him fit into this lil box that you have designed o-so-poorly”…my response…I have given ample room to speak…i do on a daily basis…since the great summer of connection of 2010…nada…heard nothing…not through Bible readings…not through sermons…a couple words of guidance from friends…but no explanation…Christian response…”well you obviously have not been reading your Bible enough…”…as heathen as this is going to sound…i laugh at that…because the point is obviously…”i will know the message i need when i find it” right?…a very smart suggestion for someone with a creative mind, because how do you tell the difference from a message from God and a creative connection between circumstance and passage…Christian response “well the Holy Spirit will guide you, He will speak you into a revelation” or something like that…and somehow, we are back to discussing Jehovah’s silent treatment. Or was i not meant to use that name? Well that’s who i want answers from. Whenever He’s kind enough to speak. Christian response…”well you are obviously talking too much to hear…”…at which point i just get irritated, because to the contrary i have been working harder and harder to quite myself so as to hear anything but the white noise in my head whenever i am allowed a time between thoughts.

Ugh….i honestly want everything to take over. Everything that i have and am currently dealing with. I want it all to collapse over me so that i can rebuild myself. I kno, i kno, i am meant to be proud of the person i am today. Well im human. I dont like unpleasant feelings. I have endured them for so long that i actually took a break away from fun just so that i could hold my head and take deep breaths as i tried to contemplate my unhappiness. Im tired of that lingersing pressure, i want it all to collapse. To feel the crunching pain, endure that, then anon begin my healing process. “I dont think you know what you are asking for Philip. Its foolish to expect that it would happen that simply”…that’s a great point…today i experienced an issues movement from the suspense-zone and you know what? figuring out stuff is awesome. I mean growth and patience is all fine and dandy…but resolving issues is even better…im sure there is some irony there.

Either way, i want to know. What of my childhood bestfriend, what of my uncle, what of the man i called father for over a year, what does humility look like for a i feel that if had a better picture of what that looked like, i would have some momentum as i strive to be the man i am meant to be. 

Where am i headed?

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Coming soon

There is so much i have locked away in my head from this sem. I need to let it out. I cant believe i made it.

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Vicious Cycle I feel like i hit the same point i was at a certain time last semester. Im frustrated. I am sure many people would hate to find out that someone is frustrated.  I was talking to a lady i look up to this last week. And she looked miserable to be frank. As i was talking to her about how she felt, she revealed that she felt like she had no right to dwell on what she was feeling because people in Japan were going through worse. I love her to death but i think that’s bull. I hate that we feel this compelling need to compare our experiences as human beings. No one thinks of Haiti or Chile anymore, that was old news, the middle east is on no one’s mind but politicians or those studying the area, no one cares about how pakistan is doing, or how to best help sudan deal with its separation. Even closer to home, it seems like Japan and Lybia might start wrestling for the worlds attention.  I digress. It is starting to seem like those with the latest biggest catastrophe get dibs on who can feel bad about how they are. All those with anything less should suck it up because they have no right. My blood boils simply thinking about this. I know numerous people around me who are going through hell, but it seems as if they have no right to question. Someone close to me is going through a tough transitional point in their lives, another is constantly tormented by multiple dimensions of her life, i am watching a man i used to respect slowly lose himself to hip hop culture, and someone else really close to me lost her father. All these are in real time.  All that aside. I am vexed, pissed, frustrated. I find myself taking longer to sleep attempting to stop my head from pulsing. There is so much wrong going on. Yes…i dont care what the Christian pressumption is about all that is happening. I am human, and in these cases i feel like its ok for me to perceive, what is happening to my friends, Lybia, Japan, Pakistan, Sudan, Chile, Haiti is wrong. People are dying, even worse…people are suffering. Individuals world wide are losing their loved and are forced to deal with the absence of this crucial person. I am not sure many people know just what this means.  AGH!!!! I am not frustrated with people. this is not how i intended to go with the post. I have no idea what God is doing. End times or not, its screwed up what is happening. I feel like Haiti was a wake up call for the world to resume paying attention to what is happening outside of its borders and offer support to another people. Before we could brace our new self-less selves if it can be called that, Chile happened, then there was a lil break from world calamities, or at least there was in the break news or headlines. Then before we saw it coming, there was Egypt, Pakistan, Lybia all suffering from crappy leadership, then Japan and the islands around it get hit. How exactly is a world unaccustomed to being there for other nations meant to adjust to being there for all these nations…if that really is what the lesson was meant to be. I dont even kno where this is going. My mind has been racing for weeks and i have all these issues i am trying to process. I greatly appreciate all who have had to deal with me, i do not understand at all how i have been anything close to suitable company. I also deeply appreciate all those who have let me help them as best as i could. Grace is a great thing. Id hate to be too much to deal with tho. I need to blog soon. Oh…almost forgot…why i picked the picture. That pupp reminds me of me. It seems like where i am. For a second it looks like things are going great because my grades are coming back in decent shape, my health is much better than it should be, i have been retaining information and been able to learn, laugh and love. However, when i take a step back to take a look as to where i am in general, i am no further from leaving my stress-cliff. I am still worrying my arse off. Always having to be very intentional about controlling my temper so as to not blow up. Always having to keep my humility in check so that i can approach each assignment and interaction knowing that every moment is relative and whatever proficiency i am blessed with now might very possibly be singled for this one occurance. The next time might be someone else’s moment to shine. I hope that i retain my ability to make good and unclouded decisions. Prayers are welcome.

Vicious Cycle

I feel like i hit the same point i was at a certain time last semester. Im frustrated. I am sure many people would hate to find out that someone is frustrated. 

I was talking to a lady i look up to this last week. And she looked miserable to be frank. As i was talking to her about how she felt, she revealed that she felt like she had no right to dwell on what she was feeling because people in Japan were going through worse. I love her to death but i think that’s bull. I hate that we feel this compelling need to compare our experiences as human beings. No one thinks of Haiti or Chile anymore, that was old news, the middle east is on no one’s mind but politicians or those studying the area, no one cares about how pakistan is doing, or how to best help sudan deal with its separation. Even closer to home, it seems like Japan and Lybia might start wrestling for the worlds attention. 

I digress. It is starting to seem like those with the latest biggest catastrophe get dibs on who can feel bad about how they are. All those with anything less should suck it up because they have no right.

My blood boils simply thinking about this. I know numerous people around me who are going through hell, but it seems as if they have no right to question. Someone close to me is going through a tough transitional point in their lives, another is constantly tormented by multiple dimensions of her life, i am watching a man i used to respect slowly lose himself to hip hop culture, and someone else really close to me lost her father. All these are in real time. 

All that aside. I am vexed, pissed, frustrated. I find myself taking longer to sleep attempting to stop my head from pulsing. There is so much wrong going on. Yes…i dont care what the Christian pressumption is about all that is happening. I am human, and in these cases i feel like its ok for me to perceive, what is happening to my friends, Lybia, Japan, Pakistan, Sudan, Chile, Haiti is wrong. People are dying, even worse…people are suffering. Individuals world wide are losing their loved and are forced to deal with the absence of this crucial person. I am not sure many people know just what this means. 

AGH!!!!

I am not frustrated with people. this is not how i intended to go with the post. I have no idea what God is doing. End times or not, its screwed up what is happening. I feel like Haiti was a wake up call for the world to resume paying attention to what is happening outside of its borders and offer support to another people. Before we could brace our new self-less selves if it can be called that, Chile happened, then there was a lil break from world calamities, or at least there was in the break news or headlines. Then before we saw it coming, there was Egypt, Pakistan, Lybia all suffering from crappy leadership, then Japan and the islands around it get hit. How exactly is a world unaccustomed to being there for other nations meant to adjust to being there for all these nations…if that really is what the lesson was meant to be.

I dont even kno where this is going. My mind has been racing for weeks and i have all these issues i am trying to process. I greatly appreciate all who have had to deal with me, i do not understand at all how i have been anything close to suitable company. I also deeply appreciate all those who have let me help them as best as i could.

Grace is a great thing. Id hate to be too much to deal with tho. I need to blog soon.

Oh…almost forgot…why i picked the picture. That pupp reminds me of me. It seems like where i am. For a second it looks like things are going great because my grades are coming back in decent shape, my health is much better than it should be, i have been retaining information and been able to learn, laugh and love. However, when i take a step back to take a look as to where i am in general, i am no further from leaving my stress-cliff. I am still worrying my arse off. Always having to be very intentional about controlling my temper so as to not blow up. Always having to keep my humility in check so that i can approach each assignment and interaction knowing that every moment is relative and whatever proficiency i am blessed with now might very possibly be singled for this one occurance. The next time might be someone else’s moment to shine.

I hope that i retain my ability to make good and unclouded decisions.

Prayers are welcome.

2 notes